What do I do now...

I cannot stand my job. Things here have gotten bad. It's come to the point were my stress level is at an all time high. At times I am so tired and can't take It, I just want to run!!! But where do I go? What do I do!? I speak with loved ones, I speak with my supervisor and all I get is understanding, I am at the point where I need to take action.

My vision as to my wants and needs have become focused on 2 big things. I don't wanna say what they are right now but I am hoping I find the courage to start one so the other follows. Life is about the choices we make, and I made a big one, now I have to move forward, not stay still. I am so glad that at this point the day is over... Some heavy conversations to follow, and I pray that things go well.

Ciao for now...

Racing Thoughts....

It's Sunday night and I am not only cooking dinner but I am also driving back and forth picking people up, or dropping off. I feel as though every weekend is this busy, and I have to multitask time for relaxation. Of course not many people will understand this but that's ok. I feel as though may be I do place too much time with juggling things, and I need to enjoy more the moment.
One of the things that I hated most this year was how much I needed to fight with others about my time and how I chose to spend it. Many of the arguments that we placed in front of me had good arguments but in the end I held my ground and found ways to add more to the huge pile of things that I needed to do. I hated feeling rushed, or over whelmed. At times I felt as if I had more than three jobs. This is of course the wrong way to explain it to anyone but I am going to write it as if I would say it. The work that was needed to keep others happy was exhausting. I hated also being fooled with. I hated thinking that I was making a difference to try and take my time and talk with someone and it not do anything.
This new year I am going to try and fix things in my life that I have been putting off. I do not want to have grudges with people that used to be close in my life. I want to move forward in a positive direction. I don't want to multitask for everything, i don't know where to start but ill figure that out in time. That is very important to me. Well hope that's tonight dinner doesn't turn to disaster and that my mind doesn't think of more things that I might feel that I need to write down....
Another night, another thought..never ends.

Technology FAIL!!!!

Today I was reminded why people, including myself, should never get too attached to the devices that they carry with them. My phone, the one thing that I carry always if not in my bag in my hand shut off on me, and refused to turn back on....I spent the better half of this morning going from one AT&T to another, just to be told that I have to spend twice as much to get either the same phone or better. I was upset, angry not just at the  fact that I had to spend money to get a working phone, but that my information was lost...my dates, appointments, my PICTURES!!!! Now, after feeling mad, and just completely unsatisfied with the service I went to get my coffee, at least that was in my control, and I realized I was also feeling a sense of hopelessness. I began to think why, why was this feeling taking over me, could it be because I have to start from scratch, or may be because I payed money for a phone that I didn't want and can in no way help me stayed connected with the people that mattered the most. 
As I sit and write this on the train ride home I just think of where I can keep my information. May be in an email account...noooooooo that can be hacked.....ohhhh may be in my lap top, noooooo cause that can also be  stolen, or even breakdown. The solution Pen and Paper...it never fails, and can be kept in a place where no one will go and just take it. Now I have to work twice as hard to get back the dates, info and numbers back...because even though all my numbers should have been saved...they WEREN'T!!!! I lost even your number, yes...YOUR #!!!!
I think back to when I didn't have a phone for three months, 3 MONTHS!! During that time I never got this sense of hopelessness, or felt angry. I remember it being glorious, no one found me, I went anywhere and no one knew...I just did what I wanted and that was it. Looking back at today I think being disconnected from the Social Media Links that I could have just touch with a button before was upsetting....I think that was a big factor today. I just see that I have gotten so caught up with all the games, and social links that I didn't realize how often I look at these things. 
To end this thought, writing about my feelings definitely makes me feel better but I know that later on this week I am going to have spend money in order to have a device to fulfill my needs. I just cant believe that I felt the way I felt, and that this happened. Consider this a lesson learned! 

It's not me, it's you...Or It's me, not you????

Riding the train into my City, I happen to look to my right and see a gentilmen reading the New York Times. What caught my eye in particular about the page was the bold title "It's Not me, its you" at first I thought I must have been reading it wrong. I take a few minutes while at work to look up the article and to my surprise I was reading the title correctly.
I took a few more minutes and as I am reading the article I find myself reading life experiences of psychologist who have "pulled away" or have had 'Mini Divorces" regarding friendship. I was shocked and amazed not just at the article and what was being discussed but more so the timing in my life and how this could affect me and my perception of the relationships I have in my life. As I finish reading I think to myself the 5 "W'S," who, what, where, when, and why.
The article focuses on individuals that have come to the realization that certain people in there social circle may not share the same value or goals. Breaking-Up turns out to be just as difficult because of the fear of hurting the other persons feelings. I have to say this feeling is something I worry about myself, I mean I never intend to hurt anyone, yet as life goes on and the curve balls start hitting drastic measures have to be taken.
To quote directly from this article " The first step before you end a friendship is to connsider, very carefully and seriously if you want to end a particular friendship or if you want it to wind down." I have to personally say that I would prefer a friendship to wind down. I never felt comfortable losing friends much less going through a "Break-Up."
For me this article touches my soul, makes me reflect on my life and the events that have recently happened to me. Makes me think, "Wait...I know that feeling, I know what these people are talking about," I appreciate the timing of this article. I appreciate how I am not the only that goes through moments where a tough conversation has to be done for the better of that persons future.

Half Way... To Where??

In a few hours I will have reached a point in my life were I thought I would be sure of certain things. Things such as what I am doing as a job, perspective in regards to family needs, and wants, and Love. Out of this very general list Love has proven to be the hardest to keep, and maintain. I see that in one hour I not only get older but I have no clarity on where I stand on Love and the men that I have loved, and love...At times I find that people tell me that I don't know what it is, or that I am in a relationship that is not for me. I hear all these people tell me what I know about love isn't enough, what I feel love is... isn't true, even that I never knew what love is. These comments not only make me confused in the sense of "What am I doing or feeling then??" But it hurts to think that this could be true. 
I come home thinking about all the general statements I have heard in my life, thinking about what is going on with me right now and I am more confused then ever. The only thing that I am sure of is that I will not let others tell me what I am feeling, or what I need to do in order to be happy. I know that if I am uncomfortable the best thing to do is be somewhere else. If I am upset I need someone to give me space to think of what just happened and then talk to me and listen to what I have to say. I don't want to be forced into any action or relationship that doesn't make me happy, and for sure I wont be told what I can and cannot do.
This entry is needed not because I need people to confirm or reject what I am saying, I am writing it to see where my thoughts are. How is it that I can find clarity when I am walking in the dark?? I know what I don't want, what I do need, so then what do I do???

Delightful Treats

Sunday I find myself waiting in line for my bagel and I look to my right and see a cookie. Now I know what your thinking what can be so special about a cookie. Well this cookie was too fancy for me, see it was a Penguin in a Top Hat ready to go to a party. I  began thinking to my self "Wow, this cookie is fancier than me right now..." but in all seriousness I was just thinking who comes up with these cookie ideas. I think they are great, it definitely makes me smile to see the different shapes and colors these cookies may have. Some times I feel guilty eating them, I just wanna look at them.
I find that in these situations I have been taking a few pictures of these wonderful, delightful cookies, which so happen to be of Penguins...But these artistic cookies make me feel creative, and it brings so many ideas or questions to  my mind. I find it hard to concentrate on one...For example my next blog will hopefully be about coffee and the places I have found so far...I have walked around plenty of times but these places I see..may or may not be the place to start the morning. Ill hopefully will be back with more comments and pictures of what I find, and what comments, questions, or concerns came to me as I went through the day! Enjoy the delights when you find them :)

A night on the Town

You know working in Manhattan is great, one has the chance to explore and try new things. I try and sometimes get the paper and see whats new and what fun ideas are out there to try. One off the goals I had for this blog is to list a few restaurants. I don't have as many places to write about but I do have two that are great!

 Well Joy Burger always seems to be a great place to go after a hard days work. Oh and don't mind my boyfriend in the picture he was just distracted by a cat and I managed to get this picture of him. So whats on the menu...what makes this place great! For one thing the menu allows you to build your burger as you wish. From the size of the burger patty to the pickles and sauce. But don't take my word, its a place you have to go and experience yourself!

UVA...Now this place is a bit more Fancier...I couldn't believe how nice it was. To be honest I felt under dressed...lol Its better to get there early because i may look small as you head in but as the crowds start rolling in behind you, it gets even smaller. The Menu from the Antipasti, Primo, Secondi, to the dessert, the selection has a bit for everyone, meat lover to vegetarian. The wine selection is vast and I didn't even look at it all but if someone else does please let me know how good it is. It was a night that I greatly enjoyed, the noise level was moderate, and the dim lights put a spell on the night!
 For now I hope to have another two to write about. Hopefully may be with a bit more detail!!