Back in the game called LIFE!!!!

I haven't blogged in a long, long time..In a way I feel its like the first time. Well so much has happened, First one of my family members suffered a stroke, and from there unemployment got the best of me and all my bills. So right now I am in a negative place, really. If that isn't enough my house seems to be getting harder and harder to pay off. I am just stepping back and looking at the whole big picture and its so much. How do people deal with this??? I know that certain family members are taking it harder than others but well what can I say.
Well in regards to some juicy gossip, there is none. I am alone and well feeling a bit sad that at this point, during this festive year there is no one to really hold tight. But I am feeling a lot better than what I did before and well that's better than anything I could ask for.
Today I have the privilege of working two jobs...its a privilege because in this day and age its hard to keep one. I love the first job, but the second I feel like crying when I talk about it. I am grateful, but I really, really wish it was something else. Well now that I am getting back into the swing of things I guess Ill write the status of my day later on... So " Ci vidiamo pronti"

This winter will be the coldest in my life

I have recently gone through a lot...a break up, lose of a friend, and well un-employment. I have to say that I am  doing well with my attitude but emotionally...I could use a pick me up. 
See I believe a lot in "fate" as well as in "no coincidences" I have written before that I was doing well and that the worst was behind me...Well I was wrong. See certain places I go, things I watch...may be even other people that I am with their action may all point to my ex.  The strangest things, may be things I didn't even know these people  like or did. Well its harder, and harder not to think of may be talking to him. To this day I haven't seen or heard his voice and that adds on the how cold this winter will be. Last winter "we" shared a Christmas, unfortunately no New Year cause he was in Europe, so you can imagine how weird this year will be. Especially since I don't celebrate either holiday. It was nice to see a loving family who does. I guess my constant missing him is just saying to me that I cared too much and the sooner I stop the better. I am pretty sure that he is not thinking of me. May be just thinking of the next club to go to. Start dancing with all the ladies, and leave me in the past. Well I could ramble on but what's the point.  I guess anyone who reads this might just say or write "forget him," "leave him alone," "he's an asshole" but he was more, he was also my friend. May be not as close but he was one and now I cant even talk to him. 
I have been doing my utter best to forget him, leave the "sign's" I see in the corner. Just repeat to my self that if he truly did love me he would not have left or he would have fought. I have come to the conclusion that he left me because he thought I was gonna take his youth. That I was gonna strap him down and choke him with responsibility of family, me and him, and may be a family of our own. I guess in that way I surprised he didn't run for the mountains. Or stay in another country...But well I am not saying that I don't want that you know but I am saying I want to be with someone who would like that eventually.  I loved him and he fooled me and falling out of love is now the hardest thing to do.
For those who have read this over and over again I cant tell you how sick  I feel  just writing this. My heart feels like this and I a wish that I could make it stop. I know I will stop because life moves on but for now its my struggle and I want to beat it and move on. 

Its a rainy day in Manhattan

Well I have to say that this morning was a horrible start. I woke up around the hour of 2:30am and I couldn't go back to sleep. I tried every possible position, and tired to think of "Sleepy thoughts" but nothing. All I did was watch how time was going by and I was in and out of consciousness.
This week has been a scary one, all the problems that I wouldn't think about came out, and I am not even talking about problems of mine...I am talking about family problems....
Every day its been one problem after another. It surprises me how much can happen in a few days. No matter what though it has been a great joy to finally be in the city. I really enjoy the ride, and the view of coming into the city. Even on a cloudy day as this I still see the bright lights and can sense the excitement in the air.
The day is moving so quickly I just cant wait to see what happens next...hopefully something good.

What a Glorious Day!!!

Today started like any other...Not wanting to get up. I was in bed thinking how being caught in the rain after an event that I went to was fun last night. I woke up and the first thing I hear is my dog crying to go out. I take him out jump back into bed, and realize I have to start the day, I cant be only here when there is so much outside.
I am currently at work, I do feel like something big is gonna happen today, I really do! Don't ask me why, or how I got this feeling the important thing is that I got it, and I feel great!
I have been thinking a lot about my life and how I have to make things happen now, I mean I cant sit on my bum and wait for it...I think I may have already said that in another post, but besides that I am hoping that some people that I know may help me out with employment. Not that I am not doing my end, but you all know its about WHO you know not what you know.
I hope that all that read this have a fantastic day, may you all get surprises that take your breath away...in a good way! :)

Ciao

What a feeling...

I have to say that this is certainly a new experience for me. I haven't been single in a very, very, very long time. In a way I kinda feel like I don't even need a cell phone. More or less I haven't even really used it.  I have definitely been using the city as my escape from my reality of just sitting at home, or cooking at home. Trying to keep busy is also very exhausting. I have become the cab driver in my house, driving mom back and to work, my brothers and sister to where ever they need to be. I don't mind it some times, yet a part of me wishes I could say that I am sorry I have a date waiting and we are gonna have a great night. More or less encompassing dinner a movie, may be even a little dancing. I am feeling a whole lot better, I do feel happy,  not ecstatically happy but happy One of my friends is going through a hard time cause her man just left her. I went through the same feelings about three weeks ago. I know its hard, and painful but she is strong and can get through it.
Its never easy going through a break up, especially finding out that all that time, and effort was for nothing. The clincher of that break up was that she did find out that she was being used. Used to get ahead in school. I don't want to say much about it but I really, really want to kick this man's face in. I don't understand how someone can do this...Is it that funny, or fun??? Some one please explain it to me cause I don't get it. I want to get her and help her through this trauma because that's what it is. Unfortunately its better to have a moment of peace to gather one's self and try and find their own way out. I mean Ill keep checking on her, and calling to see how she is...But this is a hell that a woman must get herself out of on her own. what do you think???
On other things besides love... I have recently been unemployed for about a week.. I know I know your all wondering where have I applied? Whats my next step well really, really I am not even sure. what I am sure is that I am not gonna wait here for a job to fall into my lap I am on the move making calls and I am fortunate enough to have people around  me who care enough to ask, and give suggestions. not all the suggestions are helpful but I appreciate them anyway.
What I am thankful for is that on Saturday I have a job. Its not a lot, really, its barley what I need but it helps. Its something to keep change in my pocket, as I go looking for the right place to stay.  Life in New York is NOT easy but I enjoy the challenge of trying to make it, cause there's the saying "If you can make it here then you can male It anywhere!"

Well that's all for now I hope to write soon!!! Ill keep you all posted

Ciao

Having a much better attitude

Its Monday night and I must say today I have woken up with a better attitude then usual. For those that may not have read my other blogs, I have recently become single. This is a whole new thing for me. I haven't been really single in a long time. Even so today I felt more positive about the whole situation then ever before, it feels like freedom. Just in a different way. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't need to talk to anyone, tell anyone where I am, or even really look at my phone. Which brings the other dilemma of really not using it as much. I have actually thought of changing it, I never needed a complicated phone but due the easier keypads and such I got a current model of a phone. Well Ill keep you posted about the phone. I wish I could say that I am over him, but as many as you wiser people know that's not the case. My heart calls for him, yearning his affection but it is just a one way street. From what I gathered from out latest conversation, cause yes we have spoken after the break up...he does miss "us." That leaves my mind at many questions...why the break up? Why fight to stay apart when coming together is easier? Why cant we be happy?? and the list goes on and on. Many of the people who have "comforted" me have advised me that its fate telling me their is someone better. Or that due to his lack of experience he has made a big mistake and he wont know it until it is to late. Hearing my own thoughts I come to see that of course they are right, their are more fish in the sea, that fate may have some other fabulous gentleman waiting for me, I know that patience is a virtue. I just hope that things progress in a flash because I am not the most patient woman. I am taking this week to do me..Do what I feel is right for me, Ill fill you guys in later one...I hope all of you are having a better week see ya soon Night :)

The Never Ending Battle

I have to say that when it comes to the emotion's of the heart, it is truly a battle of strenght and reasoning! So why do I say that?? I am a person that falls in love and does anything possible to maintain that spark. "Maintain" in the sense of spending time, listening, caring, for the other person so that the relationship can prosper. I understand that all relationships have good and bad days. I mean which couple does not...But recently through a little ordeal that was going on in my relationship, the man I was with thought the best way to handle the situation was to run from it.  I couldn't believe it!!! I am completely heart broken, and I just feel compelled for some reason to talk to him, reason, be there...but how does that help me??? It doesn't what that shows is that I am with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Who is letting me go so that I can find "The One I am supposed to be with" Thanks..... Should I be happy, should I be content?? I am more confused as to why I care so much for this man, and especially who doesn't care the same way back...? It hurts. Well I am not gonna fool my self any longer, cause I have already for too long. He wants to let me go, fine, he thinks its better this way then who am I to fight him on it. His reasoning and his logic won't allow him to move forward then I won't wait for when it does...
So New York, Looks like I am back in the game...man. oh man I have no idea where to start...I hope that if anyone has free advice that they write it down cause I am all ear's...

First Day of School

I have to say yesterday I was very excited and nervous. I went to work with great optimism to fix a little problem I had with my boyfriend, and well enjoy work as much as possible. Ill tell you, I was way off...Work was too cold, and to much. I got really anxious and I got really upset. All those students who need to change courses, and need this, or that...I just didn't know what to do. I just decided to keep my mouth shut. After 5pm I was more or less excited to see my boyfriend. I was frustrated with him for 7 days, he was not her to fight with me or make me feel better but when he was here well...I didn't want to see him. When yesterday came I had no idea what he was planning to do. It turns out that he came to see me to finish it. He broke up with me. After a summer of love, adventure, and just coming together...its over.
I don't know what to think, or what do to...How do I feel about this whole thing??? I am confused, I feel as though someone left a hole in my heart and it cant be filled. I want this pain to go away, I want to feel whole, complete again...Why do I miss him? Why do I want to hold him, kiss him...WHY!!!! I just want this feeling to go away...
If for some reason you get to this... I miss you, and I love you. I never wanted you to do it. I never thought that another fight may lead to this. If I could see you and hold you again I would hold you and never let you go....

The Non-refundable ticket

We are all given this "One Ticket" and its a ticket of life...It goes only one way. Its funny how you really never think that one day your ticket may be up. Recently someone close to me has lost someone. The specifics where have not been given yet or as to how or why...But the pain still came in like a bolt of lightning.  To really think about what just happens puzzles my mind...This person woke up, started the day and then just stopped. Stopped breathing, stopped moving, stopped doing anything. Life is truly taken for granted we get upset, we get angry, and a lot of times people live with regret. So whats the point of wasting so much time if there is too much to enjoy.
The person I miss and care for is on another continent, and I wish that I could be there to show him how much I really do miss him. Yet then I wonder whats going on with me, and what have I done for myself lately...hmmmm all these questions and statements run through my mind and well I have no real answer...just more questions. 
Recently I have noticed more how those little things in life that make me happy, that make a difference, and what a person needs to care most about. Family for one, and I hate the fact that someone special to me is hurting...That is life, its a non-refundable ticket makes one stop and we dont even know where, or when that will be. 
A goal of mine now that I have been writing a lot is to do more out door activities, I used to do them a lot but ever since I grew up and saw what other responsibilities I had to add on, "me time" has gotten shorter, and shorter...So lets see what crazy adventure I have today!! 
Good night to all...

Summer Ending...

Well this summer has definitely been one that I will remember always...Its been the summer that I have taken advantage of having a boyfriend, its been a summer that has reminded me that having a boyfriend encompasses a whole bunch of things...Such as fighting for what you want, putting effort into what has already been established, and of course trusting the other person. My summer has been packed with memories good and bad ones but memories none the less. My other half has left on another adventure and I stayed behind...Its tough because I didn't want to let him go. But this was my fault that he even bought a ticket. Through mistakes of my own I lead this person to seek refuge in another place, a far, far away place. This definitely makes me reconsider what my part is in this relationship. For the rest of this time that I am by myself I have mostly been working and seeing what new adventures come my way. 
So far the only new adventure that has gone my way is regarding employment. I need a new one, cause those bills come like clock work and well I just need to have that money rolling in. Which makes me worry, whats gonna happen if the money does stop??? How will I go on...the search will go on, but the money needs to still come my way...hmmmmm just another thing to worry about...
At this very moment I have completely lost filling around my whole body, why?? Cause in my job has the AC blasting... I cant wait to get out of here...Well I cant wait to see what new adventure awaits on the outside... Good Night to all :)

The element of surprise!!!

Today started out as a regular day not really worrying about much but me and my big mouth spoiled my main idea, a surprise for someone special. Tomorrow will make a year and four months with a friend, not just a friend but a wonderful boyfriend. Ill be honest time is flying... and I was planing something nice, cheap (lets be honest), and personal. So a picnic!! what better way to celebrate our relationship then to have a cooked meal, that I will do, and allow the whole world to pass us by! All I want to get out of tomorrow is a beautiful memory of us! But the element of surprise is gone.... :( With one question my "Problem solver" figured out what my main idea was and even though its not like its big but you know I still wanted it to be a surprise. So I really don't know how exactly how this will go but I am staying positive. My curiosity is more jumping for Friday, since he claims that will be when he surprises me... I don't know as long as its with him than  I am good ....
Well so far this work day has been a bust! I mean I work for this lady that has this PhD but really is as dumb as a cucumber!! I mean really, there are four students working the morning shit, 4!! and its completely unnecessary, since during the summer not many students come here!! We are probably the  only office in the entire school that has 2 days when we are open til 7pm!!! No one comes here, and I am the lucky one that has to sit my bum here to hear the howling wind, which is the AC. which by the way is on super high cause this school can NEVER get it right!!! I mean really there are some class rooms that have too much, and there are others that have windows with the sun beaming in and NO AC. Talk about being cooked. There is no room where it is just right. I am afraid not...nope so I wont miss this ice box. Or the Cucumber of the office.
I think in general no one really knows what will happen, however we plan and no matter what type of plan you get it always has its good, and bad surprise. So I cant wait to see how today pans out I just hope that the smile I came with, is still there by 7pm today.... (Doubt it though....Ill see)

The challenges and Issues of today...

In today's world it seems as though people are having a lot of problems coming to resolutions...Of course it seems as though some problems wont ever get solved. Immigration for instance is an issue that many feel passionate about... Many religious people in power for instance seem to be making their opinions known and befriending the president. This issue has made many choose sides as to whether to allow amnesty or not. Many feel that all Non-American's should go home. So really, really who would be left here??? Not only was this country founded by an immigrant, this country is made of combination's of ethnicity. So when political leaders claim that they are against making illegals legal well then why don't we search everyone's background and send everyone back to where they belong.... I mean lets be fair!!! All those who grandparents or parents are not from here send them right back to the "old country." Many people are faced with discrimination and its truly upsetting to see that in this day and age people still need to act violently against those that are innocent. Not everyone is good, true, but then again not everyone is bad... I hope that the issue of immigration does come at least to a democratic end. It may not come now, or tomorrow but when it does I hope at least there will be some order and understanding that follows....
Well besides politics, that even though I don't know that much because I really don't like to follow I have to say I am going on a whirl wind adventure. I am whirling around with the emotions of the heart and at times it feels like I am not breathing. Who ever knew that one could feel such love and compassion for another that was not family. I know I didn't I did understand how if you play with fire YOU WILL BE BURNED! That's clear. I understand that being with someone because you love is the only way to be in a relationship... but what if you love and know that its pointless??? Can there be such a thing?? Is knowing that what you have with another person "temporary" a justifiable reason to leave? But then again isn't every relationship that way? We all live, and die, no one is here forever, but who here is with someone who doesn't want something serious now, and if you are how do you deal with that? Let me know

The 4th of July

Today marks the Independence of this country... Its a proud day indeed, and for sure as I hear the fireworks go off, everyone is admiring the wonderful show, today I was given very sad news... In fact its something that is inevitable, and comes at any moment. A friend, a close friend has lost his younger brother...I am just finding out today, and even though the news is reaching my ears now, my heart is broken not just because this person lost someone dear but because he has gone through recently hard times. I haven't spoken to him in so long, and today I not only e-mailed, I called, left a voice mail, and have texted. Its 11:42pm and still no word. May be this guy chooses to not respond which is ok, I wouldn't want to force him to call especially about something so heart breaking as this.

What makes this 4th of July even worse is that someone under my house is feeling low as well. The cause "Puppy Love" oh yes, It may not be the end of the world but this person those tears and painful memories are what make and break her attitude and heart. I wish I could take the pain away from both, so that tonight they can both sleep in a deep and comforting slumber. Even though I may wish this for them, it cannot not be, through these hard heart felt challenges, and losses one must learn to move forward. I can only remember for the good book that "God doesn't give us challenges that we cannot overcome" and even though at that moment someone may feel like they are drowning, one is really never alone. Faith through these hard times is hard to hold on to, but if we don't now then how can we ever in the future...???

Food for thought.

Sleep well tonight, may tomorrow bring some good news to those who need it.

Troubles of the Heart...

I thought that I knew what I was doing when it came to situations of the heart. It looks like I don't know at all... Let me explain, I fell in love with a man who was older...not to old but well... I was young. Through time I found out that I really didn't know what I was doing. I took a chance and left him, but not really. I found my self still in the relationship, but without the title "Couple" or "Boyfriend/Girlfriend." Through impulsive acts I just found out that he may have to leave me behind to take care of his responsibilities. This being commendable, sure, but I don't want him to go. Through all this time I fell in love again, and now with this news it turns out he's breaking up with me. I feel speechless, hurt, and confused at what point did this turn around and backfire. I want to say "Look you may have stuff to take care of but I am with you till the end," that's not fair, and its not happening. He has enough baggage as is, and I want to be with him through good times, and bad but that pertain to us. Not have him release his anger on me because he is stressing of what may be happening which is likely to happen if I stay with him... The obvious thing to do is to say "Goodbye" but how? and How do I stop loving him???
anyone...?